


I've Got A Secret

by casstayinmyass



Category: IT (1990), IT - Stephen King
Genre: 1990!Eddie, 1990!Richie, Anxiety, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Canon Compliant, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Coming In Pants, Coming Out, Emotional Manipulation, Emotionally Repressed, Feelings Realization, Feels, First Time, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Frottage, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Gentle Kissing, Gentle Sex, Grinding, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Richie Needs To Be Serious, Richie Tozier Has ADHD, Sexual Repression, Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 11:51:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13166343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/casstayinmyass/pseuds/casstayinmyass
Summary: When the Losers all meet back in Derry after thirty years of leading successful lives of their own, they make the decision to face Pennywise together. The first night back together, they get a motel, and Eddie goes to talk to Richie. It turns out, they've changed so much... and yet, they're still two boys with a crush.





	I've Got A Secret

**Author's Note:**

> This is canon compliant taking place in the 1990 miniseries, so it happens right in between the Losers getting settled in and their "campfire stories" in the motel sitting room, before Henry comes for Mike.

Being back in Derry was strange for Eddie. He expected all the memories from his childhood to come flooding back immediately once he saw that Welcome sign at the entrance to this desolate little town, but it took a flashback of his puffer, battery acid, and Pennywise to remind him of what really happened.

It wasn't just the creepy clown hell-bent on murdering and/or ingesting  them that had Eddie even more jittery than usual. Seeing all his friends again brought back other memories... other kinds of memories. Bill had done well for himself, as had Beverly and Ben and Mike and... well all of them...

Richie. Richie was a star now. He was some hotshot comedian with a billion fans and he lived in Beverly Hills. Eddie drove people like that around for a living. He always kept a certain line of disconnect between him and the celebrities, except for the usual casual greeting or accommodation to their needs. But Eddie suddenly felt the weight of who his closest friend aside from Billy had become.

The short blonde unpacked his things carefully, placing his pills in neat order along the sink in the motel bathroom. It was a nice motel, and Eddie was glad for it-- he hated grime and dirty rooms with spiders and god-knows-what all over the place. A knock on the door, and Mike popped his head in.

"Eddie?"

"Hey, Mike," Eddie smiled, then looked down. "Gee. It's still so strange to be saying that again."

Mike gave a knowing smile, patting the doorframe. "I understand. We're all gathering down in the living room to spend a little time as the old losers club again. You coming?"

"Oh sure," Eddie nodded, taking a sip of water. "I'll be right down."

"Alright. Richie's still in his room, so give him a knock and tell him to hurry down too, would you?"  

Eddie nodded slowly, and frowned as he realized his hands were shaking. Why were they shaking?

Putting away his last shirt in the top drawer of the dresser, Eddie straightened the shirt he had on, and walked down the hallway. He knocked on Richie's door, and found that it was open a crack.

"Hey Rich," he whispered in, and the invitation downstairs sat on his tongue. Deciding to enter the room instead, he closed the door.

"Eds!" the redhead grinned, running over. "Y'know, I'm glad you're here, pal. I haven't been able to give you a proper hello without the other losers around!" He swung his right arm around Eddie's neck, put him in a headlock, and rubbed his hair with his knuckles. 

"Aw Richie," Eddie laughed, "Hey, stoppit. You know I hate that." He blushed, taking off his glasses to polish. Richie stood him up fully, one hand on each shoulder, and stared, shaking his head.

"Boy. You sure did grow up."

"I thought I still had a baby face," Eddie chuckled sheepishly. "At least that's what everyone else tells me."

"Well, ain't it the truth, but I mean... you're still so different." Richie coughed after a second, breaking eye contact and refraining from letting Eddie in on how he used to stare at him all the time when they were kids, and that's how he knows.

"You haven't changed one bit," Eddie mumbled, laughing over his shoulder. Richie looked up again, eyes wide.

"What? God, look at me! I look my grandfather's grandfather!"

"Come on, Rich, it's only been thirty years," Eddie continued to laugh, and Richie waved his hand.

"I know, I'm just playing. I never really stopped, you know?"

"What?" Eddie asked.

"Joking around," Richie replied. Eddie nodded.

"Yeah. That's why you're still the same kid with the broken glasses who used to give me a hard time!"

"Sure, with much more experience with the ladies since then!" Richie boasted, then sobered up, smile disappearing as his face heated up. _No, dammit, that wasn't what he wanted to say! Why would he say that?_

"Ladies... yeah, me too," Eddie mumbled, "Lots."

"Really?" Richie peeked up, frowning slightly. Eddie swallowed, and nodded.

"Oh sure, Richie. I've been with so many, I can't even count."

They stared at each other for a few minutes, and Richie started to laugh. Eddie kept on staring as Richie laughed, and took off his glasses. Richie soon realized Eddie wasn't laughing with him... he was, in fact, crying.

"Oh Eds," Richie muttered, reaching forward, "Hey, I'm sorry... I... I shouldn't have laughed, I... I'm an asshole, you know that..." He pulled Eddie into his arms, where he simply held the other man against him, one hand stroking his hair, and waited until the blonde was finished letting out all the years of his pain pushed down and down until it just flooded.

"Oh... n-no, it's okay, it's not that," Eddie sniffed, wishing he was able to hold himself a little stronger. He rubbed at his eyes, gently pulling away from Richie.

"Well, okay. Wanna talk?" Richie's eyes were inviting, and his hand squeezed the blonde's shoulder... Eddie's gaze flickered down to his lips.

 _Oh shit._ Richie's heartbeat picked up. What was he supposed to say now? Pretend he didn't see that little move, and joke around some more to deflect? Aw, but Eddie could see right through that... couldn't he?

"Richie, things... things haven't been good for me," Eddie whispered, and Richie sat on the edge of the motel bed, resting his elbows on his knees. Now, a billion other people would have said to him, 'but Eddie, you've got the most successful celebrity limo service in the American mid-west, you're doing just fine!"

But Richie just _knew_. He understood.

"Can I tell you something else Rich?" Eddie asked quietly, and Richie nodded, taking a deep breath. "I've been so uptight about... well, everything... and it's... I know it's not healthy, but... my ma, for years, she's been telling me that people like me... they're not right."

"People like you?" Richie asked, and the look Eddie gave him answered all of his questions.

"She's been telling you you're confused?" Richie sighed.

"That, and a little bit sick. That's why she had me on so many pills. She thought I could... get rid of it. When I was a kid, and she caught me staring too long at any other boys, she would clap me in the back of the head, tell me how sick I was. And I believed her. I thought I had a, a disease. I was scared, and I felt so alone... as I got older, she tried to tell me she'd get sick too if I didn't get better. She told me she'd kill herself if she ever found out about me and... well, me and another, um... another man. So I stayed at home. I never went out on any dates, because women expect to be kissed, and if I try to kiss anyone I don't love, I... well I get all anxious, Richie, and I-" He took off his glasses, and wiped at his eyes again, tears running down his cheeks. 

"Eddie..." Richie sighed again, rubbing a hand over his own face. Richie went through a lot, but in a way, he was glad that his own parents didn't want anything to do with him instead of going through his entire adult life thinking there was something wrong with him. 

The mood was tense, so in true Tozier fashion, Richie cracked a joke. "You should take ole Pennywise's advice, and come _float_ on down to Beverly Hills. You'll fit right in there."

"Uh huh?" Eddie smiled a little, rubbing the back of his neck.

"Sure, it's LA, we're all queer amongst the palms!" Eddie stifled a laugh, then paused.

"We?"

"Well..." Richie rubbed the back of his neck, "As a manner of speaking." Eddie sat beside him on the bed.

"I guess I just don't know what to do with myself now. I never let myself believe it, but a couple years ago, when I... well, when I did figure things out a little, it gave me this sense of self-assurance. Like I had something that my ma couldn't take away from me, not then, not ever."

Eddie was close to him, and Richie could feel the heat radiating off of his friend's body. He hadn't been able to stop the constant streamline of thoughts since the first time he had seen Eddie that day, and with him this close now, it was impossible to resist them.

"You'll always have us losers," Richie smiled, ruffling Eddie's hair. Eddie ducked out of it, and Richie tackled him to the bed, both of them wrestling and laughing for a minute. Soon, Eddie was overtop of Richie, and Richie's hands were holding him up from the waist as they both stopped what they were doing and met eyes.

"You've always been my friend, Richie," Eddie whispered, one more tear dropping down his cheek and onto Richie's shirt. The redheaded comedian felt a twinge inside him, seeing Eddie so helpless, and his hands fell to his friend's hips, hugging him close so that they were just lying on the bed together.

Eddie closed his eyes, hearing Richie's heartbeat. Being here, in his best friend's arms, all these years apart felt like no time at all.

"Were you ever so scared, Eds?" Richie whispered, one hand clinging to the back of Eddie's head. Now he was the vulnerable one, and he didn't know how to feel about it... normally, he could just make a joke to cover it up, but there was no bullshitting Eddie.

"Scared? Scared of what? With me, you've gotta be specific."

Richie managed a small laugh. "Of everything. Of just... accepting it?"

Eddie sniffled again. "Of course. My ma made it harder, too. But I was born with it. Can't get rid of it." Richie's breathing quickened, and Eddie opened his eyes. "Richie?"

"Eds... you stole it. Give it back."

Eddie's face twisted up, staring into Richie's conflicted eyes, holding something much deeper than pain.

"Give what back, Rich?"

"My breath," he whispered, and kissed Eddie. Eddie collapsed into Richie, hands reaching up to cup his friend's face as they pressed together, tightly wound, unwilling to stop touching or let go. Richie parted first, staring up at Eddie in horror.

"Oh, god, oh Christ, I'm an idiot! I'm a full fledged idiot! Nice going, Tozier, you're in waaay over your head here, first you crack some cheesy line that would make the most desperate man on earth wanna barf, and now you go and do this, you stupid old slimeball-"

"Hey," Eddie smiled, the first genuine smile he'd given yet, "Beep beep Richie."

With that, he brought his lips to Richie's again, the taller of the two's moustache tickling his upper lip. Eddie smiled even more through the kiss, because this was better than he imagined, and it was better than Richie had imagined, and god, if this is what would have happened at a reunion years ago, then Richie was sorry he waited this long to come back to Derry.

As most kisses do, their embrace grew more desperate, and their hands began wandering, pressing, pulling as decades of sexual repression broke through the floodgates. They could both barely breath by the time they took another pause.

"You know, Rich... this... this is my first, um..." Eddie shrugged. "You know?"

"You're a virgin?" Richie breathed, gulping hard. This was like a dream come true-- he had always wanted to be Eddie's first.

"Yeah," Eddie looked down, and Richie tilted his chin up, grinning.

"Well, thanks for sharing. I can definitely help you with that, pal."

Eddie felt a rush of heat and adrenaline, and in a sudden heat of the moment burst of courage, pushed Richie down into the mattress, slamming their lips together and initiating another make out session. Richie's hands were on Eddie's small hips again in seconds, rubbing slowly, and Eddie began to grind on top of him. Richie knew what he was doing, and let it happen, grinding up so that they had a rhythm going.

"Ahh... Eds, you're gonna kill me," Richie groaned.

"Not before we're finished... please?" Eddie smiled, and Richie let out a loud, punched out laugh.

"Was that a... a sex joke?! You really have grown up, buddy!"

"Don't call me buddy," Eddie began to get this excited look on his face as he softly said, "Call me baby."

"Bossy," Richie licked his lips, "Okay, baby. Set the pace." Eddie tilted his head back, and Richie must have looked like a man dying of thirst as he stared at Eddie's exposed neck. All he wanted to do was suck on it.

"I'm feeling, um," Eddie breathed in, "O-oh wow, this is really nice, Rich..." Richie marvelled at the fact that he could get his best friend hard, and wondered when he was going to wake up from this dream.

"Just keep going... like that, s-spaghetti man, right there..." Richie bit his lip, and Eddie kept dragging down against him, moaning beautifully. "It sure is a shame you're a virgin," Richie hissed, "You moan like a porn star, and nobody's heard it." He considered this. "Then again, _I'm_ the only one who's had the opportunity to experience it, so you won't catch me complaining."

"You really are too much sometimes Richie," Eddie giggled, and Richie squeezed his ass.

"Sorry. You just drive me wild."

"You were always wild," Eddie grinned, pressing a kiss to Richie's lips, "I guess I just bring it outta you a little more." The deepened kissing seemed to be a shock effect-- both men began to feel the warmth spread inside of them, and they clutched onto each others' arms as their climaxes rocked through them, the old bed creaking all the while. They came down from it, staring at each other in wonder and awe as if they had just seen the holy grail.

"Hey, what's taking you two so long?!"

It was Ben, pounding on the door.

"We're just catching up!" Richie called, and Eddie was stunned by Richie's ability to not sound completely wrecked.

"How do you do that?" Eddie's own voice was hoarse as he shook his puffer and inhaled.

"Make myself sound like I didn't just come for ten seconds straight? Come on, I'm an actor, don't you remember?! Richie Tozier's my name, and voices are my game, pal!" Eddie shook his head, and pushed on his chest.

"What do we do now?"

"Uhhh... I'd say a good long shower's in order."

"No, I mean..." Eddie bit his lip nervously, "after all this."

"Assuming we survive the Clownpocalypse? Hm, well short stop, I wouldn't bet against the odds on this one, in fact I'd go so far as to start planning a mass funeral-"

"Richie... be serious for a second."

"Eddie, I have never been more serious in my life, if we don't leave, we're going to get our asses handed to us by Pennywise the dancing douchebag-- that is, if he doesn't eat our asses first." Richie suddenly frowned. "You know, that came out wrong." He shook his head. "So did that."

"Rich-"

"Come on, Eds, we've gotta go, this is crazy!"

"No. We _have_ to stay," Eddie's brown eyes were pleading, "We can't leave them." Richie sighed, and purely because of the conviction in Eddie's voice, thought about it.

"It's pretty shitty that I'd do anything for you." Eddie smiled, and Richie immediately spoke up again, before he lost the nerve to do it. "I want you to come back with me to LA."

"W-what?"

"Please? There could be a lot for you there, if you were happy. I mean, more than where you are now, I guess. Your limo business, it could... you know, expand. It'd be a bitch figuring out the logistics, but..."

Eddie took a deep breath, and rested on Richie's chest again. He'd leave his mother... he'd pack his things. He didn't have to listen to her anymore, and he wouldn't. He _couldn't_. He was a man, and made his own choices.

"Yeah. Yeah, okay, Richie." The redhead let out a noise of disbelief, and Eddie got up, cringing. "Oh, heck... I'm such a mess."

"For a good cause!" Richie lifted his finger.

"We should both be down there already, but tell Mike I'll be down after I get a shower," the blonde sighed. Richie watched Eddie's sweater ride up a little bit, and cocked his head.

"Mind if I... joined you? You know, share a shower, like the beautiful, proud gay men we are?"

Eddie snapped his head back, and blushed.

"But you said you slept with girls."

"I do..." Richie frowned. "There must be a word for that. Y'know, someone who's got a thing for the ladies and the fellas. I don't know. I'll drop it in conversation with Bill the walking dictionary later."

Eddie took his shirt off, and covered his chest bashfully, rubbing his chilly, thin arms. "You coming then, motor mouth?"

Richie smirked, and did a somersault off the bed.

A little later, they made it down to the motel living room by the fire, where the rest of the Losers were all spread out over the carpet and the couch. Ben was giving Beverly a massage, Mike was going through some papers, and Bill was sitting on the carpet.

"Just catching up, huh?" Ben smirked. "You two are just as hopeless as you were back in school. Now you're just old and hopeless."

"Dorks," Beverly teased.

"Dorks!" Ben nodded in agreement, and Bill shook his head, laughing. 

"Hey, cut it out, haystack, or I'll pull out some yearbook photos," Richie gave Ben the finger with his free hand.

"Well would you look at that," Mike smiled gently, regarding Richie and Eddie's hands in each other's back pockets, "I guess there is a guiding light here in Derry after all."

And Mike was right... no matter what happened the next day, Richie and Eddie would stick together, and stay alive. They _had_ to.


End file.
